Being at Harvard was a dream, and I’m constantly reminded of my immigrant parents who sacrificed everything for my education. I don’t want the glamour and dazzle to let me forget what a privilege it is to be here.

My first semester at HBS taught me 8 valuable lessons. Here’s what I learned:

Lesson #1: Embrace a spectrum-based mindset rather than a binary one.

This is true for all complex issues – only basics are ever black and white. A key example is in thinking of strengths and weaknesses. Good leaders know their strengths but box themselves. Great leaders are adaptable and adjust based on the circumstance and situation.

Here are a few of mine I’ve had to question lately:

1. Am I an empathetic servant leader? Or is my idealism a root cause of my failure to “trust but verify”?
2. Am I thorough and exhaustive to paint the full picture? Or am I oversharing details and confusing others?
3. Does my adaptability and open-mindedness lead to lack of conviction?
4. Does my perfectionism raise standards and product great outputs? What’s the cost of the constant critic and inefficiency that results?

Learning to be flexible and considering both ends is much more effective for leading yourself and around you. Another way is to think of non-negative opposites:

Non-negative opposites

Lesson #2: If you don’t define your values, the world will define them for you.

What are the things you care about? If you don’t know, then everyone else’s definition of success will become yours, even if it makes no sense for you.

What are the lines you won’t cross? When the going gets hard, circumstances and short-term gains will seem more attractive despite massive long-term consequences.

What is the number that you need to be satisfied financially? If you don’t have one, then the number will be: more.

Be a rooted tree that can take in the thoughts and considerations of others with a grain of salt, soaking what will help you grow while not losing sight of who you are.

Learn to be who you want to be, not what others want to see.

Lesson #3: Your world is small. So lead with questions, more.

At HBS, I realized how small my world had been. 

Like many professionals, as I grew older, my social circles become more and more insular in terms of ethnicity, culture, life stage, career, and values. This is natural – at some point, when you only have limited time in the day for connections outside of work, you want to spend that precious time with those who make you comfortable, understood, and safe.

But this also means that deep, meaningful interactions with people who are wholly and completely different from you becomes very limited.

What I thought was my superpower – people intuition – was naturally shaken this semester, as I realized how much I assume. Combine that with my impatient nature, and I realize that I need to mold this superpower not just to be the intuition to advocate and execute, but ask better questions and listen more.

Lesson #4: Choose your battles, because you are a limited resource.

I’ve had moments this semester where someone has said something, and thought, “Did we read the same case? Did we watch the same video?”

The thought “you cannot please everyone” reached new levels of significance. (This applies not just relationally, but in business as well: “A product for everybody is a product for nobody.”)

There is often a right context, person, or level of importance if you want to speak up and change someone’s mind. Not all conversations or settings lend themselves to mutual learning. Maybe it’s not the right time or place. Or I might not be the right person because our relational history and mutual trust is not there. Or maybe the issue at hand just isn’t as important. I love this framework my wise friend shared with me on challenging conversations:

1. Is this the right context, moment, or setting?
2. Am I the right person to share and discuss with this person?
3. Is the issue important enough?

I am an empathetic and upstanding by nature. This has many downsides – I realized how much of a toll it can take on me, and how challenging it can be to detach from issues. There is a point where I may perhaps just care too much in a non-constructive way.

“No amount of sound will wake someone who is pretending to be asleep.”

– Ancient Navajo Proverb

Lesson #5: Leadership results require leadership actions.

This is the other side to #4 – an amazing quote from my wise friend in one of his HKS classes. In other words – there is also a tradeoff as well.

I can be too tired of educating you, but then I can’t be mad that you’re not educated. It’s like saying, “I’m upset you don’t know, but I’m unwilling to listen and help you learn.”

People fail to make change not because they don’t talk enough but because they don’t listen enough.

Lesson #6: There is an art and science to being a good decision maker.

Here are some qualities of a being a good decision maker:

• Tolerance for ambiguity
• Boldness to make a decision
• Knack for timing
• Rapid information processing skills

At some point, your decision will invariably be wrong. How well you take the leap, iterate, and bounce back play a larger role – resiliency and learning is more important. But there is something about quickly analyzing the situation, having good instincts, and knowing when to make that decision.

If you tend to struggle with perfectionism and analysis paralysis like I do, Cheryl Bachelder’s story when she was the president of KFC was incredibly insightful and inspiring. After finally reaching the pinnacle of career success, she was let go in just 2 years.

Despite the public embarrassment and news headlines she couldn’t avoid, she bounced back. She realized how important it was to understand the difference between working at a company with long-term vs. short term results and how to be accountable for each, and a deeper self-understanding of the servant leadership style she refused to compromise drove her, as the new CEO, to completely turnaround the failing Popeye’s into what it is today.

”Success doesn’t teach anyone anything, but failures do.” – Cheryl Bachelder

Lesson #7: Relationships are not built from big moments, but many small moments over time.

The small moments when someone chooses to listen, to offer help without being asked, to share a laugh over a simple joke, or to provide support by noticing and their time – those add up. These instances might not make it to the highlight reel on Instagram, but they are the fabric of strong, enduring relationships. And they cannot be manufactured with a big party or event, but slowly, over time.

I also learned this semester how much first impressions can change. But without an element of frequency or vulnerability, which is often challenging to find in a remote workplace, they will remain the way it is. Systems and structure can play a huge, critical role in changing first impressions and improving relationships.

Lesson #8: Being able to endure criticism without resentment is tough. But being able to separate the emotions to improve is truly a mark of excellence.

My friend shared a powerful story with me. He is raising a fund for underrepresented founders and women and was pitching to investors. One of the investors he was pitching to was older and bluntly anti-DEI. They were rude, attacked his mission, attacked his personal background, and attacked how young he was. It was hard to listen to the story.

But my friend still chose to write a detailed “thank you” follow-up note, and righteous, truth-seeking me could not understand.

“You’re validating that their attitude and what they are doing is right. Would it have been wrong to just not say anything? Or specifically only thank them for their time?”

”You’re right Grace – 90% of it was useless, non-constructive, and it was not a great meeting. But 10% had some truth and takeaways. They were the only ones who had been brutally honest with us. Most of it didn’t make sense and I chose not take it, but there were a few valuable pieces we took away.”

Feedback matters across 3 dimensions:

1. Content: Is it the truth? Is it valid?
2. Identity: Does it match how I see it and view myself?
3. Person: Who is delivering it? Can the desire to learn and grow overcome the frustration that someone is not understanding or seeing who you as you are?

Rarely is feedback 100% based on complete truth – it’s a mix of perceptions, nuances, and how situations played out, so rather than arguing the truth of the statement to make the point, there’s power in gleaning what’s helpful. This is much easier said than done, but something I am looking to improve in, with these success metrics:

1. How good can I get at delineating the % of useful and reasonable feedback in someone’s statement? Even if it’s 90% is wrong, vindictive, or malicious? Is there any constructive truth I can obtain?
2. How often am I leading with inquiry, both when providing and receiving feedback?

It was quite challenging to narrow all the lessons down just to 8, so hopefully some resonate with you. If you liked this and want to see more content, let me know what you want to see!

Side note: I have so much content from this semester and have spent the break slowly trying to organize it all. However, the next semester is already beginning! I will be experimenting with a new content system – it may fail, but we’ll see how it works.

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